If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
