My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
