I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
