and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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