her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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