We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
