i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
