3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
