ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
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