I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
