Got a toothbrush?
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
