I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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