i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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