I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
