Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
