Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
