She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize