I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
