I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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