TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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