If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
