The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
