get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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