I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
