even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Randomize
