Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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