apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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