Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Terrible idea I love it
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
