Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
