I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
