Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
