So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
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