The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I intend to get homeless drunk
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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