well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
