Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
