Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
