I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
