I think I won the penis lottery.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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