Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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