The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize