my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
