I think I died a long time ago.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
