Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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