if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
We talked him into tasing himself.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
We have so much sex to catch up on
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
