I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
