before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
