Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
