The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Randomize