I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
