you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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