My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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