i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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