If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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