Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize