You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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