I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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